It’s 12:39 a.m., and all I can think about right now is the pain I feel. Although having a broken heart can teach you lessons and shape you as a person, it doesn’t hurt any less. But God, do I wish it did.
I am a fairly reserved person, meaning I don’t make myself emotionally available right away; vulnerability is one of my biggest fears. I don’t want to open up just for someone to take my feelings and actions for granted, but it happened. I allowed myself to love you, and I grew so attached. You didn’t feel the same, and it was more than obvious to me and everyone else who was around. I poured my heart out time and time again but never received the same treatment.
It hurts so much to love you with every part of me, and then begin to realize you don’t care. You disappear for hours at a time, and I don’t know what you’re doing, if you’re okay, who you’re with, or when you’ll get back to me. You come and go as you please, at your convenience, and I let you. I let you because all I want to do is spend every waking moment with you.
You are so important to me.
I couldn’t believe that you wanted me, and I guess I shouldn’t have. I wanted it to be true. I wanted you to want me, and I wanted you to love me, but you just couldn’t. Do you know how bad it hurts to know that someone is incapable of loving you? It makes you feel like you’re worthless, like nothing you do for them will be enough, your love and affection will never be enough.
I want to hate you. You’re able to move on with your life because you aren’t hurt. You’re not stuck thinking about whether you made a mistake, whether the pain is worth the good feeling you get 20% of the time when we’re together. I want to hate you, but I love you so much. I’m putty in your hands. You can say these meaningless things and avoid our arguments, and I fall right back into you. I feel like I’m hypnotized, and I have no idea how to fix this.
There’s this stupid boyish charm about you, and it keeps me locked in; but boyish does grow old. I need a man, not a boy. A man will at least try listen and communicate, he will be there at the low and high points in life, and he will prioritize our relationship. I want someone to love for the rest of my life, and if you don’t, you shouldn’t have made me think you did. It’s like you enjoyed stringing me along just because you wanted someone to hold. You didn’t long for the emotional connection that I do.
I know I’ll be over you eventually, but I hate that I wasted my energy on this. I’m emotionally drained, and I don’t want to go through this again. I hope you’re satisfied with the way we turned out.
I was ready for you, but you weren’t ready for me.
At least I get a good blog post out of this, right? Heart break is a part of life, and even though it sucks, we all have to go through it at some point. This isn’t the end, and I know it’s hard to see that sometimes, but we’ll be alright eventually. I promise.